Van Helsing OUR Way!
by musiclover209
Summary: A modified version of Van Helsing. I haven't watched it in a while, so please pardon any mistakes in the basic storyline. Thank you Erin for all your hysterical ideas to improve the movie. Rated T for the same reasons as the movie. COMPLETE! C'est finite!
1. Act 1: Monsters and Mr Hyde

**Author's note: **This fanfic was inspired by my BFF Erin, who would endlessly speculate on how she could have improved _Van Helsing_ to make it funnier, more romantic, etc. Here is her version of what should have happened.

Act 1

(We start the story at DR. FRANKENSTEIN'S lab. A thunderstorm is raging outside, and the lightning powers a machine attached to a metal table, on which the doctor's MONSTER lays. Lightning strikes the machine and the MONSTER is brought to life, as DR. FRANKENSTIEN and IGOR look on.)

MONSTER: Aaaaaaaauuuggghhhh!

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: It's alive! It's alive!

IGOR: No freaking DUH it's alive, what did you expect?

(DRACULA appears out of nowhere behind the doctor, as vampires have the tendency to do that.)

DRACULA: Good work, doctor. Now, it is time. DUN DUN DUUUN!

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: No! I will not allow him to be used for such evil! I will not stand for it!

DRACULA: Too bad, so sad, you can't do anything to stop me.

(DRACULA kills DR. FRANKENSTEIN)

MONSTER: Nooooo! Daddy!

(MONSTER picks up DR. FRANKESTEIN and jumps out the window, running from the ANGRY MOB below.)

ANGRY MOB: There's the monster! Get him!

(MONSTER continues running until he reaches a windmill. After the MONSTER is inside, the ANGRY MOB burns the windmill into charcoal. The screen goes black, and several AUDIENCE MEMBERS protest.)

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Whaaaat?? It can't be over already! What happens now?

(As if to answer their question, the screen shows a city, later recognized as Rome, at night. The camera points at several posters that read _Wanted for murder: Van Helsing. Reward offered._ Suddenly, a black-gloved hand tears the posters down, and a strange creature, later identified as MR. HYDE, runs down the street, the great (and also wanted hunter) VAN HELSING giving chase.)

MR. HYDE: Catch me if you can, Van Helsing!

(The chase continues until VAN HELSING corners MR. HYDE in the steeple-room of a church. MR. HYDE is completely undaunted by the monster hunter, and proceeds to sneak up behind VAN HELSING and steal his hat.)

VAN HELSING: Give me my hat back. NOW!

MR. HYDE: Neener neener poo poo, you can't take it from me!

(A battle ensues, and VAN HELSING takes out his handy-dandy Tojo blades and cuts MR.HYDE'S arm off. In shock, MR. HYDE drops VAN HELSING'S hat. The battle continues at the top of the church. In executing an attack, however, MR. HYDE overbalances and falls off the building to his death. There is, very unfortunately, a rather large crowd who witnesses this, and all immediately agree that VAN HELSING shoved MR. HYDE off the building.)

RANDOM MAN: Van Helsing, you murderer!

(VAN HELSING mutters something in Latin that no one can understand, then pulls away from the edge of the building, putting his hat on as he goes. How his hat got into his hand from on the floor in the room below is still an unsolved mystery. The screen goes blank once more, to more protests from the audience.)


	2. Act 2: Friars and Lab Tables

Act 2

(The scene begins at the lovely Vatican, where VAN HELSING enters through the front door, kneels, and begins to pray. He is interrupted, however, by CARDINAL JINETTE.)

CARDINAL JINETTE: Do you have him?

VAN HELSING: Who?

CARDINAL JINETTE: Mr. Hyde, you noob! Where is he?

VAN HELSING: Dead.

CARDINAL JINETTE: You are _hopeless_, Van Helsing, completely hopeless. Oh, Carl said he wanted to see you. You two leave for Transylvania tomorrow to kill Dracula.

VAN HELSING: Gee, thanks for the warning. What does that silly friar want now?

CARDINAL JINETTE: How the heck should I know? He's in the lab.

VAN HELSING: Of course he is. Isn't he always?

(Without waiting for an answer, VAN HELSING exits the room via a stairway. He comes out at the bottom in a chaotic lab in the basement of the Vatican. A lone friar, CARL, is working at a lab table mixing various chemicals. VAN HELSING approaches him from behind and taps him on the shoulder, causing the friar to jump about a foot in the air.)

CARL: Good grief, Van Helsing! What was that for?!

VAN HELSING: Carl, did the Cardinal tell you you're coming with me to Transylvania?

CARL: Like hell I am! I'm not a field man, Van Helsing!

VAN HELSING: Carl, you're a monk, you shouldn't curse at all!

CARL: Actually, I'm just a friar, so I can curse all I want…dammit!

(VAN HELSING rolls his eyes as CARL starts methodically filling a bag with weapons to use against vampires.)

CARL: (to himself) garlic…silver stakes…

(VAN HELSING picks up a grenade-sized sphere that CARL placed on the table.)

VAN HELSING: Carl, what is this for?

CARL: I don't know, really.

VAN HELSING: What do you mean, you don't know? You invented it, didn't you?

CARL: Just because I invented it doesn't mean I know what it's for!

VAN HELSING: All right, no need to get touchy.

(Later, at the briefing…)

CARDINAL JINETTE: You're number one priority is to kill Dracula. You're number two priority is to protect Princess Anna, got it?

VAN HELSING: Got it.

CARL: Got it. But I'm still not a field man!

VAN HELSING: Carl, shut up and let's go. You know the most about vampires, so you'll have to come along.

(VAN HELSING leaves the room. CARL follows, grumbling loudly)

End act 2


	3. Act 3: Werewolves and Holy Water

**Author's Note: **I do not own any part of _Van Helsing_. I really wish I did, but I don't. I finally have the DVD now, so the rest of my story should at least be mostly correct. Enjoy! ; )

* * *

Act 3

(We are in a forest in Transylvania. VELKAN is tied to a post, apparently as werewolf bait. He doesn't look too happy about it, either.)

VELKAN: Here, doggy, doggy, doggy. Heeeere doggy, doggy, doggy.

(Suddenly, a werewolf jumps out of the trees and tries to attack VELKAN. VELKAN executes an incredible flip onto the top of the post, freeing his hands, and grabs a rope. A guy on the other end tries to pull him up, but the pulley system jams. So, looks like it's ANNA to the rescue.)

RANDOM GUY: No Anna! It will kill you!

ANNA: That's my brother up there, you noob!

(ANNA moves after the werewolf, driving it into a hidden cage. The cage is pulled up, ready for VELKAN to shoot it. Unfortunately, VELKAN has lost his gun, and the ropes holding the cage up break, causing the gun to be crushed and leaving the werewolf free to chase ANNA to the edge of a cliff.)

ANNA: Why don't you pick on someone else, dogbreath?

(The werewolf is about to knock ANNA off the edge of the cliff, when VELKAN jumps in front of her. The werewolf bites VELKAN and knocks him over the edge.)

ANNA: Velkan! Noooo!

* * *

(Now, we are distracted from ANNA'S grief by a ridiculously long scene in which we are shown VAN HELSING and CARL traveling to Transylvania. After this ridiculously long scene, the pair enters a city, where ANNA stops them, a rather angry group of townsfolk behind her.)

ANNA: Turn around. (CARL and VAN HELSING turn around.) Let me see your faces.

VAN HELSING: Why?

(ANNA knocks off VAN HELSING'S hat.)

ANNA: Because I said so!

CARL: Look out! Vampires!

(VAN HELSING shoots at the vampires, who are in fact DRACULA'S brides; MAREESHKA, ALEERA, and…well, I don't know the last one's name, so we'll just call her BRIDE #3.)

BRIDE #3: Mareeshka, kill the strangers. And get the hat.

MAREESHKA: Love to, but why do I need to get the hat, exactly?

BRIDE #3: I dunno, because it's cool?

MAREESHKA: Ok, good enough for me!

(Big battle ensues, in which BRIDE #3 throws a cow into a house, ALEERA drinks someone's blood, and MAREESHKA gets blasted with Holy Water and dies.)

RANDOM GUY: He killed a bride! Now they will kill us all for revenge!

ANNA: Oh, will you shut up? (Grabs VAN HELSING.) Come on, let's see if we can help you find that dingbat Dracula.

(ANNA drags VAN HELSING off screen, leaving CARL running to catch up.)

End Act 3

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**Author's Note: **Reviews, good or bad, keep me writing! Please, somebody review! 


	4. Act 4: Knock Outs and Writer's Block

**Author's Note: **Thank you to all of the well-informed users who have informed me that Bride #3 is actually Verona. Here's act 4!

* * *

Act 4

(ANNA has dragged VAN HELSING into a house, with CARL following. Now they are talking, asking questions.)

VAN HELSING: I need to know where we can find Dracula.

ANNA: He used to live in this very house a very long time ago. My father used to stare at that painting for hours trying to find his lair. (motions to a huge, and I do mean huge, painting taking up an entire far wall) He would spend every day up here, tearing through the tower, combing through the family archives…

VAN HELSING: Carl, start at the tower.

CARL: All right. (CARL runs off.)

(In CARL'S absence, ANNA and VAN HELSING talk for a while, before VAN HELSING uses some sort of sleeping-gas stuff to knock ANNA unconscious.)

* * *

**Author's Note: **OMG, I am SOOOO sorry this chap is so short, but I am having an extremely bad case of writer's block on all of my fics. So sorry! 


	5. Act 5: More Werewolves!

**Author's Note: **The reason this chapter is so late is because of the unfortunate complications of the funeral for my brother's godmother, who died of a heart attack on October 24, 2007. So, although I don't think she ever saw _Van Helsing_, this chapter is for Molly. Also, I do not own any part of _Van Helsing_, although I would be very happy if I did. Anyways, enjoy!

* * *

**Act 5**

(We start this scene in a darkened room. ANNA is asleep on a bed. As the audience watches, she stirs and sits up.)

ANNA: What happened? How did I get here? (ANNA gasps as realization strikes her.) Van Helsing!

(ANNA gets up and walks down the hall, silently plotting how she is going to knock out VAN HELSING. Suddenly, there is a loud crash off-screen.)

ANNA: Van Helsing?

(ANNA enters another room, grabbing a lantern and some sort of club thing-a-ma-jig. She notices that a window has been flung open, creating the crash, and stupidly puts down the medieval club thingy to close it. Meanwhile, VELKAN, transformed into a werewolf, is hiding on the balcony thing above her.)

VELKAN'S THOUGHTS: What's going on? Where am I? (He spots ANNA.) Oh boy! A chew toy!

(VELKAN barks at ANNA. ANNA totally freaks out and screams like a scared little five-year-old and runs of stage, colliding with VELKAN, who is no longer a werewolf. How he got to the other side of the room in a matter of seconds is probably due to his incredible werewolf speed.)

ANNA: Velkan? How the heck did you get here? (Realization strikes again.) OMG, you're alive! (Hugs VELKAN)

VELKAN (panicking): No, Anna! You have to get out of here! I-

(Before VELKAN can finish his sentence, the moon comes out from behind a cloud. VELKAN turns back into a werewolf, and ANNA stands frozen to the spot. Suddenly, VAN HELSING runs in and VELKAN flees.)

VAN HELSING: Anna? (shakes ANNA'S shoulder) Anna!

(ANNA slaps VAN HELSING across the face.)

ANNA: That was for using your freaky knock-out spray, you jerk!

(Before VAN HELSING can retort, CARL enters the room.)

CARL: Why does it smell like wet dog in here?

(The camera shifts to a figure off-screen. The figure looks like a wolf with clothes on, with a pair of orange sunglasses on her muzzle. This is SHADES, my friend Erin's OC. She is dripping wet.)

VAN HELSING: That's why, Carl. That's why.

* * *

(We are in a graveyard. VAN HELSING has a pistol in his hand. Suddenly, VELKAN appears. VAN HELSING raises the pistol and takes aim.)

ANNA: NO! (She tries to knock the pistol out of VAN HELSING'S hand. VAN HELSING shoves her aside.)

(VAN HELSING pulls the trigger on the pistol, but instead of the explosion everyone is waiting for, there is only a small click. It is now that VAN HELSING realizes he neglected to put any bullets in the gun. VELKAN escapes over a small building.)

VAN HELSING: Damn it.

**END ACT 5**

**Autor's Note: **A big thanks to Dr. Lust, who has encouraged me to keep writing. Next chappie's for you!


	6. Act 6: Hello Gabriel

**Author's Note: **This chapter is for Dr. Lust, who's been behind me from the start, and who also is the one nagging me to keep writing! You rock, Dr. Lust!

* * *

Act 6

(ANNA and VAN HELSING are tracking VELKAN, trying to find their way to the place where DRACULA has an antidote for werewolf venom.)

ANNA: For me this is all personal. It's all about family and honor and all that junk. Why do you do it, this job of yours? What have you to gain from it?

VAN HELSING: I don't know. Maybe a little self-realization.

ANNA: And what have you gotten out of it so far?

VAN HELSING: Nightmares. (Shudders)

(ANNA and VAN HELSING are now distracted by the sight of Castle Frankenstein, as well as SHADES holding up a big sign that reads, "Velkan went this way!" The two hurry into the castle.)

* * *

(Inside the castle, VAN HELSING and ANNA run into a large group of DWERGIES. ANNA dives into a hiding spot, then drags VAN HELSING after her.)

ANNA: Dwergies!

VAN HELSING: Dwergies? What in the name of all that is good and holy is a Dwergie?!

ANNA (impatiently): Dracula's Oompa-Loompas.

DWERGIES: Ooom-pa Loom-pa, doo-pa-dee-doo…

ANNA: They say their using my brother in some sort of experiment!

VAN HELSING: Since when do you speak Dwergie?

ANNA: Since just now. Let's go! (Runs off stage, dragging VAN HELSING with her.)

(In the next room, VAN HELSING and ANNA see a bunch of yucky booger thingies hanging from the ceiling.)

ANNA: Eeeewww, what are these revolting things?

VAN HELSING: Offspring.

ANNA: What the hell?

VAN HELSING: Well, Dracula's been alone with three girls for about 400 years, so…

(Before VAN HELSING can finish, the boogers/egg sacks get zapped by lightning, and yucky-looking vampire babies burst out.)

VAN HELSING: This is where I come in! (Starts shooting vampire babies. DRACULA, hearing the gunshots, comes out onto a balcony and jumps down onto the ground in front of VAN HELSING. Suddenly terrified, VAN HELSING stabs DRACULA with a silver stake.)

DRACULA (unfazed): Hello Gabriel. Is this your silver steak? (He holds up a T-bone steak that's been painted silver.)

VAN HELSING: Ummm….no, why?

DRACULA: You don't remember, do you, Gabriel?

VAN HELSING: What do you mean? And why did you just call me Gabriel?

DRACULA: Never mind. (walks off stage.)

(VAN HELSING, a little lost, hears ANNA screaming in terror and goes to save her. As soon as she's safe and sound, they start walking until they get to the remains of the windmill.)

ANNA: A sliver stake? What, you don't think we haven't tried all that before, you noob?

VAN HELSING: I could have used that information a little earlier, don't you think?

(As ANNA is about to retort, the rubble they're standing on gives way, and both fall into a big hole. ANNA lands on a larger rubble pile, and VAN HELSING lands in a puddle.)

END ACT 6

* * *

**Author's note: **Sorry about the cliffie guys, but I've gotta leave _something _for the next few scenes! Anyway, more soon! 


	7. Act 7: Freaky Paintings and Frankenstien

Act 7

(We start in the tower room. CARL is laying on a couch, part of his infamous BARMAID scandal. He wakes up suddenly, shouting something about vampires. Realizing he was only dreaming, he leans against a bracket in the wall. The bracket lowers and the wall turns, revealing a painting of two knights. A Latin inscription is written on the border. Intrigued, he begins to translate.)

CARL: _Even a man who's pure at heart,_

_And says his prayers by night,_

_May become a wolf_

_When the wolfsbane blooms,_

_And the Moon is shining bright._

_Or crave another's blood when the sun goes down,_

_And his body takes to flight._

(Suddenly, the painting comes to life.)

KNIGHT 1: Hey! What are you looking at?

(CARL lets out a yelp and backs up, causing the couch to tip over.)

* * *

(Meanwhile, VAN HELSING and ANNA are still in the cave place under the windmill.)

VAN HELSING: Well, whatever lives here, it's carnivorous. (Motions towards a number of empty "KFC" containers) I'd say it's about a size 17; 360 pounds; 8 ½ to 9 feet tall…

MONSTER: …and has three copper teeth. Hello!

(ANNA shrieks and runs to the other side of the room.)

MONSTER: Oh sure! Go ahead and run! Everyone else runs away from me! (sobs)

(VAN HELSING pulls out a blow gun and fires several tranquilizer darts at the MONSTER. ANNA picks up a gun and moves to fire.)

VAN HELSING: No!

ANNA: We must kill it!

VAN HELSING: Listen to me! My life, my job, is to destroy evil. I can sense evil. This…thing, man, whatever it is, evil chicken may have created it, may have left its mark on it, but evil chicken does not rule it. And so I cannot kill it.

ANNA: Fine.

VAN HELSING: We can protect him in Rome.

ANNA: Let's go.

* * *

(VAN HELSING, ANNA, and CARL are walking towards a carriage.)

VAN HELSING: Now whatever you do Carl, don't stare at him.

(He opens the carriage to reveal the MONSTER. CARL looks horrified.)

CARL: Why do _I _have to ride in the carriage?

VAN HELSING: Because you couldn't control a horse to save your life. Now let's go.

* * *

(We now enter into one of those cool map scenes where we are shown VAN HELSING driving the carriage to Budapest. The map scene ends, showing VAN HELSING driving the carriage at night. Not having slept since arriving in Transylvania, he is about to doze off when he is attacked by VERONA, formerly known as BRIDE #3.)

VERONA: This is for killing Mareeshka!

(VERONA drops VAN HELSING onto one of the horses. The horses jump over a broken bridge, causing the carriage to fall. VERONA tries to save the carriage, but she instead encounters VAN HELSIN'S trap, being staked through the heart as the carriage explodes. VAN HELSING is now at the reins of the actual carriage with ANNA.)

VAN HELSIING: That was close!

(VELKAN the werewolf suddenly appears, causing the need for VAN HELSING, ANNA, CARL, and the MONSTER to have to jump from the carriage as it explodes.)

* * *

**Author's Note: **Ohh! Not another cliffie! I'm really sorry, people! (hides from enraged readers) I'll update soon, I promise! 


	8. Act 8: Werewolf Bites and a Masquerade

**Author's Note: _BOO! _**Happy Halloween, everyone! Here's your treat from me! First person to guess where I got the idea for a vampire count gets a picture of Shades and a free chapter dedication!

* * *

Act 8

(ANNA walks into a clearing in the woods. VELKAN is laying against a rock.)

ANNA: Velkan! Are you OK??!!

VELKAN: Does it _look _like I'm OK? (He dies)

(VAN HELSING steps out from behind a different rock. ANNA pins him against a tree.)

ANNA: You killed him! You killed him!

VAN HELSING: Now you know why they call me a murderer. (He winces.)

(ANNA pulls his jacket back, revealing a bloody wound. Miraculously, his jacket is totally clean. I can't be the only one who noticed that, people!)

ANNA: OMG. You've been bitten!

(Suddenly, ALEERA appears, and she carries ANNA away. VAN HELSING gives chase, CARL and the MONSTER running up behind him as ANNA is carried to Castle Dracula.)

* * *

(Later, the trio is walking into a city. A white dog is waiting at the gates, with a white first-aid kit in its mouth. SHADES is capable of shape-shifting, and this is her dog form.)

SHADES: Take the box. (VAN HELSING and co. stare at her.) Take the stupid box!

VAN HELSING: I don't need medical attention! (CARL, looking curious, takes the first-aid kit from SHADES. She gets up on her hind legs and shoves VAN HELSING gently, precisely where he was bitten. He staggers backwards in a daze of pain, and CARL drops the first-aid kit to make sure he doesn't fall.)

SHADES: Oh, I think you _do_ need medical attention, werewolf boy.

* * *

(Later, at the Masquerade, ANNA and DRACULA are dancing. Everyone else is singing "Masquerade" from _The Phantom of the Opera_. DRACULA and ANNA, however, aren't wearing their masks, 'cause they just can't keep up with the times. Suddenly, VAN HELSING swoops in and grabs ANNA.)

VAN HELSING: Anna! (He shakes her shoulders.) Wake up!

ANNA: OK, what just happened?

VAN HELSING: I'll tell you later, just run!

(They run into the next room. CARL runs in from another passageway, holding up his grenade thing.)

CARL: Now I know what it's for! Now I know what it's for! Where are we going?

ANNA and VAN HELSING: Through that window!

(They jump out the window, and the grenade thing blows up, killing all the vampires that have entered the room. SHADES shows up holding a clipboard as VAN HELSING and co. hit the water.)

SHADES: Let's see, that's two vampires dead for Van Helsing, zero for Anna, and for Carl…well, let's just say Carl wins.

VAN HELSING and ANNA: Agreed.

End Act 8


	9. Act 9: Through the Mirror

**Author's Note: **I am so, SO sorry this chapter is so late! I've been very preoccupied lately, with school, visits from relatives, and 3 other fanfics making it a regular hell trying to get everything done! Thank goodness I'm off tomorrow! Anyway, please pardon my lateness. Here's your chapter!

* * *

Act 9

(We start the scene back at the tower library. VAN HELSING and ANNA are listening as CARL explains the history of DRACULA.)

CARL: Dracula was actually the son of Valarious the Elder. The son of your ancestor.

ANNA: Everybody knows that, you noob. What else?

CARL: It all started when Dracula was murdered.

VAN HELSING: Do you know who murdered him?

CARL: No, they make some vague reference to the Left Hand of God…

(Now, SHADES decides to step in.)

SHADES: It was _you_, Gabriel.

(VAN HELSING, ANNA, and CARL look at SHADES in utter shock. CARL, forgetting the rest of the story, finishes.)

CARL: And he was banished to an icy fortress, through a door from which there was no return.

(No one notices SHADES as she walks off screen.)

VAN HELSING: A door…of course! (He runs off screen, with CARL and ANNA trailing behind. They reach the room with the giant map.)

VAN HELSING: You said your father would spend hours at this painting, looking for Dracula's lair. I think you are right, quite literally, that _this_ is the door.

CARL: Look! A Latin inscrip….a Latin inscrup…some Latin writing!

ANNA: If this thing was a door, my father would have opened it long ago!

CARL: I can't finish the writing thing. There's a piece missing.

VAN HELSING: Your father didn't have this. (He pulls a scroll out of his pocket.)

ANNA: Where the hell did that come from?!

VAN HELSING: Carl, finish it!

(CARL puts the paper in place and mutters some Latin gibberish. Suddenly, the map turns into a mirror. A really BIG mirror, to say the least, but a mirror nonetheless.)

VAN HELSING: It's a mirror!

ANNA: Thank you, Sherlock.

(VAN HELSING moves closer to the mirror, but SHADES' paw/hand comes through from the other side, holding a banana.)

SHADES: Is this _your_ banana?

VAN HELSING: Ye-es, why do you ask?

SHADES: Because _you_ ate my burritos yesterday, so now I'm going to eat your banana!

VAN HELSING: But I didn't eat your burritos!

ANNA: Carl? Did _you _eat Shades' burritos?

CARL: So what if I did?

(VAN HELSING, sick of all the arguing, grabs a torch and goes through the mirror. ANNA and CARL follow.)

End Act 9

* * *

**Author's Note: **Yeah, I know the chapter was a little short, but I promise that the next one will be longer! And now, a contest! The first person to tell me the correct answer to my question gets a chapter dedication and a picture of Shades! OK, here goes: In Bram Stocker's version of _Dracula_, what is Van Helsing's first name? Hint: the answer is in the DVD bonus features. Good luck! One rule: If you have won any of my other contests, you can't win this one. Sorry, but fair is fair. Also, I will give out the answer to the last contest, since no one could answer: I got the idea for a vampire-killing contest from _The Lord of the Rings_. Legolas the Elf and Gimli the Dwarf are always having contests to see who can kill more of the evil orcs! LOL! 


	10. Act 10: Snoogles and Dracula

**Author's Note: **A big congratulations to **Kairi's-Twin**, who won my contest. In Bram Stoker's novel _Dracula_, Van Helsing's first name is Abraham! Read through to the bottom for a new contest opportunity!

* * *

Act 10

(VAN HELSING, ANNA, CARL, and SHADES have just passed through the magic mirror thing and are now standing outside DRACULA'S castle. VAN HELSING grabs CARL and ANNA and uses his new werewolf strength to scale the outside of the castle and enter through a window above the ridiculously high door.)

CARL: Well, as grateful as I am to be out of the cold, that doesn't seem like a good thing!

ANNA: No, really?! When did you figure that out?

(SHADES walks in from another passageway.)

SHADES: Uh, guys? There was a side door left open, you know. You didn't have to scale the wall like that, Gabriel.

VAN HELSING: Thanks for telling us that_ now_, when we _don't _need to know it!

(The group is now distracted by the sound of the MONSTER yelling off screen. They all run over to a barred window. The MONSTER is inside a giant ice cube dangling from the ceiling.)

ANNA: Why are you in an ice cube?

MONSTER: Aw, heck, I don't know anything anymore.

VAN HELSING: Look at this! (Gestures toward a pair of signs. One reads "Werewolf antidote this way! ►" The other reads "Laboratory this way! ◄")

SHADES: Well, that's ridiculously convenient. Anna, you and Carl get the antidote. Van Helsing, the only thing that can kill Dracula is a werewolf. Go get 'em.

CARL: What are you going to do?

SHADES: I'm going to find someone. (Walks off stage.)

ANNA: Ok, don't know what that was all about. Come on, Carl.

(ANNA and CARL walk offstage, leaving VAN HELSING alone on the stage. He walks off in the direction indicted by the sign.)

* * *

(Later, VAN HELSING is climbing a rope leading to the top of the castle. He comes out at the top, where the MONSTER is tied to a table.)

MONSTER: What are you doing, you noob? Get the antidote!

VAN HELSING: My friends are doing it for me! (Starts to unstrap the MONSTER. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes the table, knocking VAN HELSING through the ceiling.)

MEANWHILE…

(ANNA and CARL are standing next to a container full of a see-through liquid.)

ANNA: Go ahead and grab it.

CARL: You go ahead and grab it!

ALEERA: I'll settle this! (Backhands CARL, who staggers backwards into the container, causing it to fall and shatter.)

ANNA: Grab it! Hurry; get it to Van Helsing, quick!

CARL: I'm going already! (Runs offstage.)

* * *

(We're back in the room below the place where the MONSTER is being zapped. VAN HELSING staggers onto the screen. Suddenly, DRACULA in his hell-bat form swoops in.)

DRACULA: Well, Gabriel, what are you going to do? You can't kill me!

VAN HELSING: We'll see about that!

(The full moon comes out. VAN HELSING transforms into a werewolf. However, he doesn't look like a normal werewolf. It is for this reason that SHADES has decided to invent the term "Snoogle" in reference to werewolves that look like this. Spread it around! VAN HELSING and DRACULA begin to fight.)

SHADES and ME, in the background: Van Helsing is what? Red hot! Van Helsing is what? Red hot! Van Helsing is R-E-D red H-O-T hot! And once he starts he can't be stopped! Gooooo Van Helsing! (Crazy cheerleader jumps)

(VAN HELSING bites DRACULA, and DRACULA dies. ANNA runs in with the werewolf antidote and jabs VAN HELSING with the needle. VAN HELSING tackles ANNA and she dies.)

VAN HELSING: Oh crap. What have I done?!

TBC…next chapter…

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**Author's Note: **Well, only 1 more chapter left! If you like this story, I have more _Van Helsing _fics on my profile! And now, my contest. The same rules apply, meaning if you've already won a contest, you can't win this one. Here goes: Did you know that "Jinette" is actually a girl's name? My brother and I love to make fun of Cardinal Jinette due to this fact! There is a Christmas carol with the similarly-spelled name, "Jeanette" in it. If you can give me the name of the carol, you win a picture of Shades and a chapter dedication! Good luck! 


	11. Act 11: The Ending is Delivered

**Author's Note: **The final chapter is here (sob). I'm really gonna miss writing this! I'm not sure I want to end it! Ah well, the ending must be delivered, and I'll have my other fics to keep me busy. The answer to my last contest question, since no one got it was this: The name "Jinette" (which happens to be a girl's name XD) is spelled "Jeanette" in the French Christmas carol, "Bring a Torch, Jeanette Isabella". Also, **Dr. Lust, Celtic Aurora, Kairi's-Twin, Cruel Irony, and nAuGHty NiKkI13**, my beautiful, dedicated reviewers, need to visit my profile and send me a PM or an e-mail. I've got a question for you guys! Anyway, here's the final chapter… (Sobs again)

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Act 11: The Final Scene

(We start this final scene at a cliff somewhere. CARL and VAN HELSING have made a pyre, and have laid ANNA'S lifeless body on it. VAN HELSING steps forward with a torch to light the pyre as CARL reads some Latin gibberish from a Bible. VAN HELSING lights the pyre, and the smoke and embers rise up into the sky.)

SHADES: Ooooh, pretty lights…

CARL (finishing his reading): You haven't had anything to drink lately, have you?

SHADES: No –hic- why –hic- do you –hic- ask?

CARL: Never mind.

(VAN HELSING is paying no attention to this exchange, looking off to the horizon where he believes he sees ANNA ascending into Heaven with her family. He probably had something to drink too. Now, SHADES shoves a pillow and a blanket at him.)

SHADES: Hold these. (She pulls a spray-bottle thing out of a holster on her belt. She sprays it at VAN HELSING, who collapses like a ton of bricks. It is most likely that she stole it from him after the incident with ANNA.)

CARL: Was there a purpose to that?

SHADES: Not really, why do you ask?

CARL: No reason.

(Fades out)

Fin.

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**Author's Note: **Alas, it is over. If you liked what you saw here, I have some other _Van Helsing _fics on my profile. Check them out if you want to! Thanks to all my readers, and especially my reviewers! You guys rock!

-musiclover209


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